40 Thoughts At 40

Well, holy shit, I’m 40! How do I feel, you ask? Great! Better than great. Fantastic even. Life’s a wild ride; I’ve had many many many utterly amazing experiences as well as some really truly capital-S Shitty experiences. After it’s all said and done, I’m so incredibly grateful to be here. So grateful for the people in my life. So grateful to have the perspective I have. So grateful to be where I’m at in life. So excited for what’s to come.

I wanted to use this moment to reflect on some observations and lessons I’ve learned over the years. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, this list is certainly not exhaustive, and it’s not presented in any particular order. Alrighty, here we go.

Family is everything. Find your people. Foster the meaningful relationships in your life, especially with family (however you define it). Find friends where you can just pick up where you left off. It’s a gift any time you’re able to get together, so enjoy the time you have with each other, because it’s finite.
Everything is temporary. Every emotion, every feeling of dread or despair, every moment of bliss and elation, is temporary. Every life is temporary. Every phase of life is temporary. Every relationship is temporary. Every job is temporary. Every success is temporary. Every failure is temporary. Every technology is temporary. Recognizing the temporary nature of everything can be used as a vehicle for presence, appreciation, and gratitude. This perspective can help us through challenging times; know that one day you’ll be on the other side.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. Try as you may, you cannot make decisions for other people. You can scream, yell, cajole, threaten, reason, debate, explain, and beg, but at the end of the day the other person — and them alone — can make decisions and take action for themselves. Recognizing the limits to your influence and stopping trying to change other people can help drastically reduce suffering in your life.
Seek flow; death to context switching. Context switching splinters attention, and prevents you from achieving flow. Context switching is my kryptonite and I vow to one day conquer it.
Wake up excited. Follow your energy. There’s a brief window of clarity when you wake up before the reality of your obligations and schedule washes over you. Pay very close attention to the things that have you waking up excited; those are strong signals that’s where you should be focusing your energy on. Pay attention if you experience long stretches of not waking up excited; that could be a sign things need to change.
Create fun. Look for opportunities to create fun as you move through life. My mom is second to none at creating fun experiences for those around her, and even turning regular experiences like running errands into fun-filled adventures. Now that I’m a parent I really appreciate how much that fun lens matters, and I’m so thankful that mom has instilled that in me. I think we could all use more smiling, laughter, and fun in our lives.
Having a child adds an entirely new dimension to life that can only be truly understood when experienced first hand. A kid radically alters your priorities and values for the better. Seeing things through a child’s eyes jolts you out of your own world and ego. My daughter Ella teaches me so much, and I’m so thankful to be able to witness her sense of wonder. I love her more than anything.
Don’t go to bed angry. This piece of gramps’ advice has stuck with me through the years. I’m so incredibly lucky to be married to Melissa for almost 15 years (in a few short weeks!!!!), and we’ve shared an incredible life together filled with so much love, creativity, and adventure. We’ve experienced many seasons of life together, and have come out the other end of some truly trying times stronger than ever. Like every couple, we have ups and downs, and gramps’ advice of “don’t go to bed angry” is always on my mind whenever we go through conflict. Now that Melissa is becoming a therapist, I’m thankful we’re able to articulate a lot of the emotional terrain we navigate. We’re able to face things directly head on and work together to get on the other side of challenges.
There’s no such thing as perfect. Everything is pros and cons. If you live here, you’re not living there. If you’re doing this work, you’re not doing that work. If you’re working tirelessly for this important cause, it means you’re not addressing myriad other causes. If you’re spending time on this, it means you’re not spending time on that. Perfect is an unachievable myth. The trick is to be eyes-wide-open about this reality and check in with yourself regularly to make sure you’re applying yourself to worthwhile endeavors and that the pros outweigh the cons.
Play the hand you’re dealt. You have no choice but to live your life, and only your life. Through birth and experience, we all carry with us our own privileges and burdens. You can wish the burdens away, you can feel guilty about the privileges, but at the end of the day you’re still you, carrying it all with you. The question becomes: how can you make the most of life from where you’re at?
Gratitude not guilt. I see many people in my life suffer from crushing guilt. Guilt is wasted energy, and converting guilt into gratitude is a healthier application of that energy.
The natural world is awe-inspiring. Nature has been here for billions of years, and will be here long after we’re gone. Connecting with nature humbles us, instills awe in us, and reminds us of our place in the grand scheme of things. So look up at the stars. Attune yourself to the rhythm of the ocean. Connect with a mountain. Feel the grass below your feet. Hug a tree.
Travel expands your world. I’ve been so incredibly fortunate to have had the opportunity to travel around the world, speaking in over 30 countries across 6 continents. It’s so incredibly cool and surreal to travel to the other side of the world and connect with people who share my passions. One thing I’ve learned through all my travels: humans are amazing. People are people wherever you go. It’s absolutely possible — and quite amazing — to connect at a human level with anyone even if you can’t speak a single word to one another. Connecting with people reminds me of our shared humanity and how much we have in common. Travel is also a wonderful reminder that many things can be done differently — not better, not worse — but differently, and that’s perfectly ok.
Music is one of the most powerful forces in the world. I’ve gone from “music is a lot of fun” to “music is one of the most potent and powerful forces in the world”. Similar to how the visible light spectrum is only an extremely narrow band of the full electromagnetic spectrum, the written/spoken word is an extremely narrow band of communication and connection. Music shows us a fuller spectrum of communication and connection, and does so in a way that is literally impossible to convey in any other way. It’s truly magic.
One of life’s biggest challenges is to balance your own personal happiness with your responsibility to others & the world at large. The world is smaller than ever and we’re confronted with the ills that plague the world every time we swipe up. I’ve seen many friends and loved ones swallowed whole by the understandable feelings of sadness, guilt, dread, and hopelessness that comes with the territory of being a thinking, caring human being in this modern world. This is the challenge: how do you do the critically important work of being an empathetic, caring, well-meaning person while also protecting your own well being, living your life, and finding tranquility in your finite time on Earth? What’s our responsibility to the broader world? What’s our responsibility to our families? How can we live happy, fulfilled lives when there is suffering in the world? These are questions I constantly wrestle with.
Happiness and tranquility are two separate things. Happiness is an emotion that is dependent on our circumstances at the moment, while tranquility is a deeper, more lasting feeling of contentment and satisfaction. It’s not realistic to be happy all the time; life’s full of stressors, taxes, and other unpleasant realities. But it is realistic to work towards and actually achieve a deeper tranquility in life.
Live authentically. Life’s too short to live someone else’s life. But society provides structured boxes that we often contort ourselves to fit inside. I’ve found that it’s possible to reject those boxes and show up as your full self wherever you go and whatever you’re doing. When you think about it, you bring your whole self with you wherever you go. Rather than trying to suppress or separate aspects of yourself, look for opportunities to integrate more of yourself in your endeavors. It will lead to a richer life and enrich the lives of those around you.
Human potential. We’re capable of SO MUCH MORE than we think. It’s such a shame to watch people talk themselves out of good ideas. We’re more than our work. We’re more than our hobbies. We’re even more than our roles as son/daughter, partner, parent, and friend. You’re the only you there is, and you have so much to offer to the world. Those ideas you have in your head are worth exploring. Look for opportunities to explore and realize your potential. You’ll be surprised at how attainable things are, and I don’t think you’ll regret exploring.
“The Element” is where your passions meet your aptitudes. Many people are often skilled at things and trap themselves into work they’re good at but doesn’t fill them up. Be on the look out for this dynamic, and look for any and all ways to marry your skills with your passions.
My brain is a blend between art and science. Mom’s an art teacher, dad’s an accountant, and I feel my brain straddles the line between those two worlds. I’ve found that my element is where I’m able to marry creativity with logic, invention with problem solving. I think it’s probably why I ended up in web design, why I love nerding out about design systems, and spending a year meticulously planning a giant concert.
We experience seasons of life. Our goals, priorities, and perspectives all change based on the season of life we’re in. Maybe you’re in a season to prioritize personal healing. Maybe you’re in a season where you need to earn as much money as possible. Maybe you’re in a season where you’re raising kids while taking care of your parents. Maybe you’re in a season where you need to take more risks. Maybe you’re in a season where you need to take fewer risks. The “seasons of life” framing has helped me think about my actions, roles, and priorities as more contextual rather than a more rigid “you are and must always be this kind of person” perspective. The seasons will change; your priorities and mentality ought to change with them.
Do more of what you want to do, and less of what you don’t want to. It’s an honor that people reach out to me to ask for job and life advice, what course their career should take, what job to apply for, what technologies they should learn, should they quick their job to go independent, and so on. My advice is always the same: do more of what you want to do and less of what you don’t want to do. My wife relayed something that she read in a book that went something along the lines of “Every job has a shit sandwich that you have no choice but to eat.” There’s no such thing as perfect; everything is pros and cons. It’s important to move towards things that you enjoy, and move away from the things that you don’t enjoy. It’s critical to regularly check in with yourself to make sure you’re where you should be and doing what you want to be doing.
Know thyself. It’s incredibly important to understand why you enjoy doing what you do because what you do will change all the time.
Collaboration is a hell of a lot better and a lot more fun than competition. Very few things in life are actually zero-sum endeavors. Win-win (and often win-win-win-win-win) situations are absolutely possible; it just requires a fundamentally different attitude than “I am right and I must win”. We’re all on this planet together and need to figure out how to make all of this go. I truly believe the more collaborative we are the better chance we have at tackling the really gnarly issues facing the world. I wish we spent more time finding share values before arguing over differing tactics.
The World Wide Web is truly magnificent. Despite all of *gestures wildly* this, I still believe in the power and ideals of the World Wide Web. The web is a medium that can help people collaborate at a scale never before possible, and I don’t ever want to lose sight of that lofty ideal even as the perils and downsides of the web have made themselves known.
Work hard. Don’t be an asshole. Share what you know.
Health is critical. Taking care of ourselves is hard and we need to prioritize it. I struggle with prioritizing my own health, and I hope the “time to run some half-marathons!” part of my mid-life crisis kicks in soon.
Ice cream is incredible. Yes, health is important. But also life’s too short to deprive yourself of ice cream.
The mind and body are connected. For anyone that says “it’s all in your head,” it’s crucial to understand that our heads are connected to our bodies. Mental stress often manifests itself in your physical body. Your physical body impacts and influences your mental state. At an individual and societal level, we need to recognize the mind-body connection and approach health holistically.
Expand your mind. Look for ways to expand your mind, to challenge and ultimately change your perspective on things. Nature, travel, music, experience, psychedelics, conversation, therapy, meditation, service, fostering relationships, et al are all ways to expand your mind. I want to continue to evolve and grow for as long as I live. Being humbled and changing your mind are important muscles to develop. React to challenges to your worldview with curiosity rather than defensiveness. These are skills I’ll no doubt be working on for the rest of my life.
Everyone has their own interpretation of God. Everyone has no choice but to bring their own experience to the big questions around God and spirituality. Literally no one has the answers to the big questions, but peoples’ beliefs influence their actions on Earth. Some people use God to foster connection, community, and to make the world a better place. Other people use God as a vehicle to discriminate, judge, repress, kill, and justify all sorts of reprehensible actions. There is a difference between spirituality and religion. Awe, wonder, cosmic one-ness, transcendence, empathy, compassion, connection, and community are available to all, not just the religious. Again, if peoples find God useful at fostering these positive things, then great! But religion is not a prerequisite. Awe, wonder, cosmic one-ness, transcendence, empathy, compassion, connection, and community are available to all, not just the religious. Again, if peoples find God useful at fostering these positive things, then great! But religion is not a prerequisite.
Create and cherish traditions. I’ve spent every birthday since I’ve been alive at the same place in the Outer Banks. My family has been coming here since my mom was a teenager, and now a new generation — including Ella! — get to look forward to this tradition. I wouldn’t say I ever took the traditions in my life for granted, but as time goes on I realize just how incredibly special they are.
Creating something that didn’t exist before is one of life’s biggest satisfactions. Taking an idea from “wouldn’t it be cool” to “this now exists in the world” is a freaking miracle. Many animal species exhibit creativity, but human beings’ level of creativity and invention is truly awe-inspiring.
The pursuit of boredom. Our family’s motto has long been “Never a dull moment”, and we usually don’t mean it in a positive way. Our adult lives have always been fast paced (Melissa will emphatically agree), and we now are actively seeking those dull moments. I’m sure we’ll get there.
Money is something you exchange your life energy for. Money is a tool that can be purposefully wielded to accomplish things. Pursuing money for its own sake is misguided, but it’s absolutely possible to wield money to achieve noble goals.
Stability. Stability. Stability. One value that’s emerged for me over the last number of years is the importance of stability. The world is an uncertain place, and I work for stability for my family and the people in my life. I view money as a tool for achieving stability. I view maintaining my house as a way to achieve stability. I view taking care of my mind, body, and spirit as a way of achieving stability.
Humans crave both routine and novelty, which of course are at odds with each other. We want the predictability and comfort of routine, but we also seek out unique people, places, and things. It’s important to recognize the tension between these two dynamics, and to strike a balance between the two.
Boy, do I love me some good conversation. I find myself easily frustrated and bored by surface-level small talk conversations. Everyone’s walking around living their own rich lives, and I’m so curious to learn about them. What excites you? What scares you? If we’re ever around each other, don’t hesitate to jump right into substantive conversation. I’m freaking here for it.
Time is freaking weird. Time is weird and moves fast and slow, sometimes simultaneously. Time works differently for adults and kids; 5 years in adult time feels like a blink of an eye where not too much changes, while 5 years observing a kid means watching a whole-ass person develop. It’s absolutely WILD.
Meaning of life stuff: Find purpose, happiness, and fulfillment in the things you do, and make things better for the people around you and the world at large. Build and sustain meaningful relationships with the people you care about. Enjoy music. Have fun. Eat ice cream.

I absolutely, positively know that I don’t have everything figured out, but I do feel pretty confident I have the broad strokes of what really matters in life. And it doesn’t feel like a fleeting moment of clarity; I feel a deep and lasting sense of gratitude and purpose. I’m committed to building upon that perspective over my next 40 years. To say I’m excited for what my future holds is a supreme understatement.

So stay tuned for my forthcoming article, “80 thoughts at 80”. I’ll let you know how all of this holds up.