ADHD

I woke up this morning, took a pill, and proceeded to have one of the most productive writing days I’ve had in perhaps years. The day prior, a doctor diagnosed me with Adult ADHD.

I finally drew the unfortunate trauma diagram that’s been in my head for years now.

In a pretty short timeframe, my family and I endured a series of traumas that reshaped our lives and tore us away from any sense of normalcy for a long time. The long tail of these events continues to affect how we operate in the world.

The Body Keeps The Score details the physiological effects of trauma, and reading that book was strangely comforting as it helped make sense of what my mind and body were experiencing. It truly felt like my soul was stripped down to its studs; my nervous system was run through a paper shredder, and my body reacted accordingly by short circuiting.

I’m incredibly proud of how me and my family coped with and handled everything. I’m proud that we didn’t take unhealthy left turns along the way, that we’re still standing, and that we continue to do everything in our power to continue the healing process to lead a healthy and happy life.

I’m so incredibly thankful we’ve gone two-ish years without any more crazy shit happening to us. But trauma literally rewires your brain; the before-and-after line of demarkation is crisp and clear. It’s taken a toll, and the long-tail of those events continue to impact our lives.

For me, it’s been tough to dig back into my normal work life; I’ve felt like I’m spinning my wheels and am incapable of making forward momentum. It truly is a fascinating sensation; my mind continues to conjure up all sorts of ideas, make plans, strategize, etc. But when it comes time to execute my body is like, “hahahahaha no.” It’s this disconnect that I feel experientially. Like I said, fascinating.

I’ve done seemingly everything to address this gap: use a plethora of focus-related tools & software (a post for another day), working with a productivity coach (another post for another day), carved out dedicated focus time, designed my environment, and did my best to maintain healthy habits. While these things definitely help move the needle, I still knew I wasn’t operating anywhere close to where I’d like to be.

I’m so thankful that Melissa’s becoming an arts therapist and licensed counselor. She’s always thought I’ve had ADHD, but between studying the DSM5 and witnessing my frustration, she encouraged me to get evaluated. As always, she’s a freaking hero who helps people get to a better place.

So here we are. I’m literally on day one of taking medicine for this, but I already feel like more of my normal self. I sat down and wrote these ~600 words in one go; something I’ve struggled to do for a long time. Having been through so much shit I try not to prematurely celebrate, but I do feel hopeful. I’ll do my best to share updates along the way, and since I’m new to this, I’ll welcome any advice and input from all you ADHD veterans out there.

I’m also so incredibly thankful to have such kind, patient, and incredible people in my life who have supported me through thick and thin. I want to do right by them and am excited at the prospect of being able to make up for lost time. Again, too early to celebrate, but I’m hopeful. Here we go!

Side note: One positive post-trauma brain rewiring effect is that I feel zero weirdness sharing any of this. I love talking about mental health. These are things people experience in life, and we have to be able to talk openly about it. Too many people are suffering because of the stigma (real or perceived) around mental health issues, and we have to cut that shit out. Talk about it with people you love and trust, or if you’re feeling weird you can always reach out to me. You’ll be surprised to find plenty of support, empathy, and compassion. You can get the help you need and get to a better place. You deserve that!