The Art of Conversation: Before You Begin

We are social creatures. It’s healthy to talk to other people about the important things on our minds. It’s safe to say many important things are on everyone’s minds right now, and it’s critically important to be able to talk about those important things. That said, the urge to unload the stuff on our minds can do some damage if we’re not careful. Here’s some things to consider.

As a listener, protect yourself

We all know the feeling of being ambushed by someone who just lets it rip. Maybe it’s a friend you haven’t seen in a while, and the answer to your question of “how are you?” unleashes an intense firehose of their emotional baggage and extremely heavy topics you weren’t prepared to field.

In moments like this, it can feel rude to shut things down. But it’s not. You didn’t ask for a fire hose to be pointed at your face, and it’s perfectly acceptable to gracefully step out of the stream. If you’re not in a position to talk about something, say so. You need to protect your energy and your mental health. You can help the person understand where your mind is in ways both subtle and very explicit.

Sometimes redirecting the conversation or subtly signaling your desire to shift gears can help break their spell. But sometimes more explicit tactics are necessary. It’s possible to say something like “wow, that’s a lot! I’d love to hear more about this another time if you’re open to it. Right now I’m dealing with ______ so I’m sorry that I’m not in a position to talk about that right now.”

Usually that’s met with an “oh my god I’m so sorry!” response, to which you can reply with a signal that it’s all good, you care about them, and you appreciate them honoring where you’re at mentally.

As a speaker, take a beat

As an exuberant person, I’m incredibly eager to share my million thoughts and ideas with anyone who will listen. My wife — a graceful introvert — is often on the receiving end of hearing my million thoughts and ideas. Like any other partnership, we’ve had to figure out how to manage our different conversation/energy styles so that we can have successful interactions.

The gravity of the topic on your mind is proportional to our need to get it off our mind. This instinct to get it out very healthy, and bottling it up wreaks havoc on our wellbeing. But despite the urge to get it out, it’s crucial to take a beat. Consider the mind of the other person before unleashing your brain on them. Where are they at? What’s their body language saying? What might they be dealing with right now? Are they in a position to receive what I want to give?

One important first step before unloading is asking a simple question: “how are you?” Their answer often tells you everything you need to know about whether or not they’re in a position to listen to your brain dump.

Another helpful skill to develop is asking up front if someone’s in a position to talk about something. Sometimes it’s you that’s on the receiving end of that simple “how are you?” question. That isn’t your permission slip to let ‘er rip, but you can take a beat and say “I’m doing alright, but wrestling with some stuff right now.” You can put the ball in their court by asking them if they’d be willing to hear you out sometime: maybe now? Maybe later? You can frame what you’re hoping to achieve by talking with them (“I’m looking for advice” or “I really need to vent”). And there’s never a bad time to tell someone you respect and care about them.

Communication is a skill

This is one of those posts written to myself, and I certainly need to do better at practicing this advice. But I think this applies to any conversation between any people. These are challenging times, and it’s critically important to have meaningful conversations about the important things on our minds. It’s also critically important to have these conversations in a way that protects yourself or the other person.